The Handbook / Culture / Our favourite Pride float ideas

Our favourite Pride float ideas

6 Pride floats you wish existed

Words— Eve Thomas

Political protest, month-long party, ever-evolving proof of life. Pride is so much more than a parade, but whatever you think of its modern incarnations (too broad, too narrow, too concerned with palatability) you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone who wants to drop this part altogether. Especially if they had the chance to design it themselves. So we polled creative LGBTQ Montrealers about the parade floats or groups they wish they could join (or at least wave to). In addition to some overwhelmingly popular themes – cake, world politics, nostalgic looks back to Prides of the past – a few were just too unique not to share.

 

1. Moving computer room

 


 

This one is for the generation that grew up pre-smartphone, but with early internet, relying on a family computer room where everyone had to go if they wanted to use the 14.4 kbs modem. The aesthetic: greige everything, faces and torsos emblazoned with embarrassing ICQ handles. That terrible dial-up sound remixed into some semblance of decent song. Confetti made of folders marked with generic, definitely-not-porn names. A digital backdrop that’s just a pixelated nude loading very, very slowly, line by unbearable line.

 

 

 

2. Rewriting rewritten history

 


 

 

Picture it: a history buff’s tribute to all the LGBTQ figures who got reimagined by censorious obituaries and unimaginative textbooks as “quirky crossdressers,” “confirmed bachelors” and “lifelong loners and virgins” (just with, you know, that one very loyal maid or assistant, the one they travelled with, dedicated all those poems to, and put in their will?). Bonus: Outfits inspired by Nyankh-khnum and Khnum-hotep work great if the weather hits 40 degrees, and Walt Whitman and Emily Dickinson’s rural-goth chic couldn’t be easier to put together with clothes you’ve got lying around.

 

 

3. Céline Dion c. 2018

 


 

Good Céline drag was a popular request from those polled, and with good reason. (Hi there cool kids who are finally admitting you like her. Welcome!) But this float isn’t just dazzling Vegas looks and peak diva performance. This is a tribute to the emancipation of Céline, a brave new phase that is (with help from celeb stylist Law Roach) all about over-the-top Balmain snakeskin coats, Vetements hoodies and Givenchy pleather overalls, putting Ms. Dion back on the fashion map.

 

 

 

4. A Tribute to Introverts!

 


 

This one’s for that friend you have to drag out of the house and who just discovered #JOMO (the Joy Of Missing Out). The crowd-anxious people we polled want to know they can take part in Pride and binge watch Sense8 on this fantasy float full of beanbag chairs, herbal tea, boxed wine and phone chargers. Fun perk: participants tossing sheet masks into the crowd. Dress code: neon tees Beadazzled with the word ‘Introvert.’ Air horns: optional.

 

 

 

5. LGBTQ comic-Con

 


 

A float for those who can’t find their place among the more popular, canon queer icons (cue this summer’s corporate-sponsored Freddie Mercurys) – and probably don’t want to. Whether you’re dressed up as Loki, Ursula the sea witch, going full fursona as Scar from The Lion King or transforming into the eponymous Babadook (wait, no, that svelte ghoul must have its very own holiday by now), this is the place to do you. Even if not everyone’s sure who that is.

 

 

6. Jojo

 


 

 

That’s it. Just Jojo Savard. This psychic Quebec queen is not the icon she should be in this year of our lord 2018. We demand to see her back home, swinging on a moon, her signature blonde pigtails shining in the sun and her pastel lapdog up there with her. She loves you, she kisses you, she guides you in these uncertain times using the powers of the stars. What’s not to love?

 

 

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